Why I'm thankful for infertility... and the plant that couldn't die.

Sometimes we don't know why God takes us on a journey, why He does the things that He does. I don't claim to know WHY He made it such a struggle for us to have children- but I do know, that infertility has blessed me. It has blessed me with..

compassion- I am much kinder and less judgemental towards others struggles (even if it is something I feel they can control, unlike infertility) I am more gentle with people, with their feelings. I appreciate not only my children much more than I ever would have, but my husband as well. I also see how blessed I am to have him, as I see friends and loved ones struggle with singleness.

thankfulness- I am so incredibly thankful for my children. I am a better parent than I ever would have been. I appreciate them and the blessing that they are, and when I am tempted to be angry or frustrated with them, I think of my dear friends who would give anything to be in my shoes, and I am amazed all over again at life.

friendship- some of the most wonderful friends (and prayer warriors) I have met because of IF. I am part of an amazing support network @ Stepping Stones. I thank God for their friendship, and if I ever win the lottery, I'm buying all of us a vacation together.

The other part of this post.. is the plant that couldn't die.

My mother in law is one of those people with an incredibly green thumb. Five years ago, she began filling my home up with plants. Sadly, on the move from Washington to Oklahoma, several of the plants didn't make it. I had one sad little plant that I had done EVERYTHING imaginiable to try to keep alive.

I babied it. I checked the ph. I bought miracle grow. I even talked to it. For two years, this poor plant refused to grow and refused to die. I couldn't throw a living plant away (unless it had bugs!) so I kept it. I even tried to trellis it, in case it needed something to grow on. The day we packed up our house in Washington, she was there, praying over our trip and our home. She saw my sad little plant, with its three little leaves, and said, maybe I didn't need to trellis it, maybe that was the problem.

I filed that away in the back of my mind, and continued packing the entire truck up. Dan had just had his second vasectomy reversal so he couldn't lift anything. We didn't know it yet, but I was pregnant. When my stepsons found out I had been moving furniture and working so hard, they were beside themselves.

Anyway, we got down to Oklahoma, and most of my plants died. The cat lost her mind and started peeing in them. However, the three leaf wonder over there- refused to die.

I stopped babying it, and mostly just watered it, but frequently forgot to even do that. We moved to our new home, and the plant lives above my kitchen sink (EXACT place it lived in Washington) however, now it is happy. I was right, it needed to climb, and is currently in the process of climbing all over my kitchen.

The reason I shared this  story about my plant that refuses to die, is because I see so many parallels to my infertility journey. I tried so hard to let go of the desire to be a mother- but I couldn't. I was trying to be something that I could not be. Just like I was trying to make this plant grow by any means possible. I prayed so often for God to take away my desire to have children.. and He never ever did. I really honestly wanted him too. It just hurt.too.much. I was jealous of people who could get pregnant. I was even (ashamedly) jealous of people who lost their babies, because at least they got to be pregnant for a little while. 

I believe that God places these desires in us for a reason, and its not to hurt! I don't know what His plans are for each of you, but I do know that He loves you, and He wants you to conform to His plan. So when it hurts, and when its hard, remember, that even if you have done everything possible in your power, He can still make miracles happen!